Suggested Halloween costumes for my party Saturday, baseball playoffs edition

1. A-Rod

Wear: street clothes, South Beach-chic
Have: a blonde with you; suggestions: Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Madonna
Accessories: pile of damp Monopoly $1000 bills. Tell everyone you’re crying into your money.

2. Ryan Howard

Wear: Phillies uniform
Have: stunned, vacant look
Accessories: a whole bunch of Ks, and a bat that stays right on your shoulder

3. Brian Wilson

Wear: orange cleats, crazy beard, tattoos and intensity
Have: a winning personality
Accessories: Ryan Howard (see above)

4. Pablo Sandoval

Wear: fat suit, Sandoval jersey
Have: a lot of weight to throw around
Accessories: a series of moons, as you’ll be so large, you’ll have your own gravitational pull and will be able to make them orbit

5. Officiating Crew

Wear: gray pants, black shirt, blindfold
Have: disregard for facts of the physical world, including behavior of ball when it has: been touched by a fan; struck a player in the leg; NOT struck a player in the leg.
Accessories: instant replay machine with “out of order” sign; autograph book filled with Yankees; bonus points for pestering A-Rod all night to “complete my collection – I’m your biggest fan!”

6. C.J. Wilson

Wear: Rangers gear, dressed for bullpen
Have: Blackberry; lightning fast thumbs for Tweeting awesomeness like this, this, this, and this.
Accessories: you can’t carry anything, dumbass, your hands are busy with Twitter

7. Tim Lincecum

Wear: hippie hair, hat, awkward, shy smile
Have: bloodshot eyes, insane fastball, couple of Cy Youngs
Accessories: bag of weed and assorted paraphernalia

8. Nolan Ryan

Wear: Shirt, tie, nice pants, cleats
Have: Millions of dollars, Major League Baseball team ownership, 80+ mph fastball (still!)
Accessories: ALCS trophy, open hand for smacking team into line when necessary

9. Ron Washington

Wear: ill-fitting uniform, cross-training shoes, glasses
Have: twitchy mannerisms, child-like enthusiasm, and deceptively awesome command of managing
Accessories: bag of powdered sugar

Yep, I only bothered to get to nine. Am I lazy, or am I looking for your ideas? My costume is set. . . but I am not opposed to changing midways thru the party. Submit your ideas in the comments.

This week I begin my baseball training sessions. Expect photos of my bruises next week, and a blow by blow of what I’ve learned, re: how to be the best third baseman in Lansing co-ed ball (in a skirt!).

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  1. […] despite my affinity for miming the Rocky training sequence, my adoration of complete badasses like Brian Wilson, and my freakish ability to not notice somewhat hardcore injuries until well after the fact, I […]

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