The five least romantic animal mating rituals
If you happen to be someone who was alone, forgotten or rejected on Valentines Day you may be thinking: Hell, even a damn dirty ape can get a date, and they don’t even have to send flowers! Why not me?!” Well, here’s a thought to cheer you up:
Yes, even stupid animals can find a partner, but there’s no way their mating rituals would work in the harsh dating world of the human race.
Consider, for instance, these courtship strategies from the animal kingdom. I have translated the animal behaviors into human dialogues to display the various degrees of failure that would ensue:
1. The giraffe method
How can you tell she’s ready to go all the way?
Guy: On your way to the bathroom?
Guy slaps her bottom a few times
Guy: How ‘bout now?
Girl: Yes, now I have to pee.
Guy: Oh good, could you save me some? Here’s a mug.
A few minutes later, the Guy sips from the mug full of urine from the Girl who, for the purposes of this joke, has not yet run away
Guy: Your urine is great! Will you sleep with me?
Girl: No. I’d like to keep my options open, if you don’t mind. I like older guys.
Guy: Okay, I’ll just follow you around all night with urine breath until you change your mind.
Girl: Oh, please don’t.
Guy: No, it’s cool. I’ll just be right next to you in case that older dude doesn’t show up. Then you can take pity on me.
That’s right. A male giraffe spots a female, head-butts her to induce urination so he can taste it to see if she’s ready to mate, and then follows her relentlessly until she gives in or another male shows up and they fight it out. Fail.
2. White-fronted parrot method
When this lovely green bird goes after a mate he does so by locking beaks with a lady bird. Kissing. Normalish, yeah? Wait for it. . .
Guy: Well, hello. You’re very beautiful
Girl: Why thank you.
Girl: That was wonderful
Guy: I think I love you.
Girl: I think I love you too.
Guy vomits into Girl’s mouth
Girl: Ack! Gross! What are you doing?
Guy: I’m showing my love for you by sharing my food!
Girl: Sharing? You just vomited in my mouth!
Guy: Yep. Mozzarella sticks. You like?
Girl: Get lost.
For these birds, second base is the male regurgitating the contents of his stomach into the female’s mouth. Maybe bird vomit tastes better than human vomit, but still. Ick.
3. Bonobo method
These little apes engage in sex for almost everything. Sounds awesome, right? Let’s see if there can be too much of a good thing.
Guy: Meet my brother
Girl: Meet my sister
Guy: I’m hungry
Girl: Look! A restaurant!
Girl: I’m angry with you for not paying for our meal!
Guy: Don’t be angry!
Guy: I’m sorry we almost got in an argument!
Lovemaking is initiated. . .
Girl: Whoa, whoa whoa. Look, I’ve had about enough, okay? Five times in the last hour including an orgy with our siblings, and I’m exhausted, all right? This isn’t fun anymore.
Guy: You’re tired? We should probably have sex to wake you up!
Girl: Count me out.
Guy: Okay then, where’s your sister?
Bonobos use sex as a means of greeting. They have sex when they’re excited about finding food. They have sex instead of fighting or violence to resolve conflicts. (Holy crap, are they more advanced than us?) This means they have a less violent society as they tend to just, erm, “hug” everything (everything) out, but, seriously, who can keep up with that sort of lifestyle? Besides, as mentioned in the above dialogue, their social boundaries are way less strict. As in, it’s all in the family. Ew.
Ever have the feeling she wants a little more than you’re willing to give?
Guy: Hi, looking for a mate?
Girl: As a matter of fact, I am. But I don’t actually want to look at you, talk to you, or have you around for any other reason than to fertilize my eggs. Can you live with that?
Girl: I just need you to gnaw into my intestine and stay there until you dwindle down to an appendage full of sperm that can do its thing whenever my hormones tell you there are eggs to fertilize.
Guy: So I’d lose my brain, heart and eyes and all sense of feeling? What’s in it for me exactly?
Girl: It would make me. . . happy?
Yep. Male anglerfish just attach themselves to a female and dissolve down to nothing but glands, making the female anglerfish an independent woman. All the women who are independent throw your fins up at me.
5. Hippopotamus method
Guy: Hellooooo beautiful.
Girl: Uhm, hi.
Guy: Did you see what I did over there at the bar? I fought all those other guys.
Girl: Yeah, I saw. I’m not really impressed.
Guy: Well then, allow me to show you another little trick of mine.
Guy drops his pants, turns around, proceeds to urinate and defecate in front of Girl
Guy: What do you think of that? Pretty hot, right?
Girl recoils in disgust and runs away
Guy: Wait! If you go all the way over there you can’t smell my poop! Here, I’ll shake my ass around so the scent can waft over to you! Where are you going?
Male hippos impress potential special lady friends by fighting at the old watering hole with each other and pooping themselves. The odor apparently does the trick for female hippos. Good for them.