Because I like learning random things I often like to Stumble the internet. Sometimes this activity leads me to see all sorts of wonderful things — brilliant photography, interesting TED talks, new recipes, pertinent news stories, things I’m happy to have seen. Other times it just leads me to see some of the dumbest shit, because that’s how the Internet works. I know this, and normally I just ignore it and go to the next thing, but this past weeks Stumble adventures have been more stupid than most. Of course I couldn’t resist sharing it with all of you, because that’s the only way I know how to make my head stop hurting.
1. Keep Yourself Cold and Thin
Fat and lazy
I happened upon this tip stating that I should turn down the thermostat and keep myself cold to shiver more often and burn calories. You know what I hate being? COLD. You know what helps keep me warm and happy? The layer of blubber I have so lovingly installed in my body via the consumption of insanely delicious servings of popcorn and bacon and pie (though not all at the same time… why have I not experimented with this?!?) Why would I want to get rid of it?
Maybe for some people being cold makes them want to move about and stay active to keep warm, but not me. Being cold just makes me want to get under all my warmest quilts and stay there until my chilly little nose stops running (which is one of the many reasons I will never be a mountain climber. I’d totally die up there snuggled in a crevice for a hypothermia nap). Of course, once I’m warm under my blankies I absolutely want to remain that way and will still not move. So you know what? No moving ever. Room temperature could not help me lose weight, it could only exacerbate my idle tendencies.
Yes, yes, I know SCIENCE says, and technically YES, shivering burns calories but, seriously? Is my thermostat setting really what’s keeping me from fitting into my skinny jeans? Come on. ALSO, I can be in a cold room and feel uncomfortably cold long before I start shivering (thanks, bacon!), so. . . how cold are we talking here? Mountain top cold? Thanks, but eff that noise.
2. Natural Snooki
Snookie in the raw
Snooki looks unrecognizable without makeup on!!
Seriously? Some poor soul had to write this up as “news”? Consult the picture she posted on her Twitter account along with the tweet: “No make up day :) and IDC.” First of all, she is SO wearing eyeliner, which means at the LEAST she’s also got foundation on, so she can just take that “IDC” (I don’t care) shit and shove it, because she SO does. How much time did she spend applying enough makeup to make it look like she’s not wearing any?
“Am I still pretty? Do you all still know who I am?” This picture begs of its intended audience.
NO WE DON’T, AND WE DIDN’T MISS YOU. Why? Because you’re not ridiculous anymore, you’re just normal. Normal and boring, just like us. Which is clearly a crisis because, as Tracy Jordan says on 30 Rock, “I can’t be normal. If I’m normal, I’m boring. If I’m boring, I’m not a movie star. If I’m not a movie star, I’m poor! And poor people can’t afford to pay back the $75,000 in cash they owe Quincy Jones!”
3. Fur and Feathered Vaginas
I'd like the Don King, please
Decorate your vagina with fur and feathers!
WHO is doing this?
WHO is liking this?
When someone goes home with a woman and gets into her pants WHO is looking for pink fur? Feathers? What the hell!? Doesn’t that get. . . MESSY? DISGUSTING? Isn’t that kind of discovery a deal breaker? It’s glued on. Don’t wonder what kind of glue they use, just know that it’s special. Special glue for your special area. My brain hurts.
I’m so glad an adorable fox was slain so women with too much money can get expensive procedures done to remove their pubic hair and replace it with animal fur that will remain adhered for all of four days. That makes a whole lot of fucking sense. Oh, wait, especially with the pun intended, NO IT DOESN’T.
And as long as we’re on the topic. . .
4. Asian Women have Sideways Vaginas
Alright. . . I didn’t SEE this on the Internet. This was mentioned in conversation and I’d never heard such a ridiculous myth before, so I started searching. I refused to believe that people could really be puzzled over something this insane.
Seriously. WHAT. THE SHIT. IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?
I guess it’s my fault for looking.
Lindsey Malta writes “Thoughtcicles” for The Idler.